Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Stephen King's Top 10 of 2009

By Chase Kahn

I read this list last week when Entertainment Weekly hit my mailbox, but I forgot about posting it until now. Without a doubt, one of the most dumbed-down, childish and ridiculously scatter-shoot Top Ten Lists of the year always seems to come from Mr. Stephen King. This, my friends, is his masterpiece. Enjoy:

10. "2012"
(I don't need to say anything here, do I?)
9. "Fantastic Mr. Fox"
8. "The Taking of Pelham 123"
(You mean Tony Scott's hyper, puppy dog-panting edit-fest? And he has the gall to praise John Travolta's over-cussing performance and then put down "Public Enemies?")
7. "Law Abiding Citizen"
(I kid you not, he says the words: "the script is wound tight." Were you even paying attention!?!? Or were you too busy trying to open your Strawberry Twizzlers, Stephen?)
6. "District 9"
5. "The Reader"
(This film came out in 2008, and it still sucks.)
4. "Disgrace"
3. "The Road"
(It's okay, not bad.)
2. "The Last House on the Left"
(What!? He compares this turd as being "on par with The Silence of the Lambs?" This morally-confused, head-in-a-microwave torture-fest? Are you kidding me? Hey, Stephen, three words for you: "The Virgin Spring.")
1. "The Hurt Locker"

In conclusion: No wonder this guy hated "The Shining." Stephen, hang it up, pal.


  1. It's a proven fact that when it comes to films the less Stephen King is involved the better for the movie.

  2. This is all part of that Entertainment Weekly/Dave Karger/Diablo Cody broadening-act going on and Stephen King's Top 10 List was the clincher. I don't know why I even read the magazine anymore.

    I was just reminded by your comment of "The Shining" miniseries that King produced, which was damn-near unwatchable. Nice try, Stephen.

  3. Eh I'm convinced when it comes to Entertainment reporting people spend too much time crying about the death of the film critic, and should be looking at the death of film media.

    I remember when I used to wake up on Saturday, flip on E! and see an expose on the works of Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Alfred Hitchcock, Bond Girls, etc. Now-a-days if I turn on E! for longer than 5 minutes I suffer headaches all day long. AMC used to play actual classics, now they play Pitch Black, Catwoman (I could die just having to type that), and whatever else they manage to scrounge up.

    It's getting real bad these days.

  4. Yeah, AMC is junk. Even if they played something I care about, I struggle with whether it's worth it or not to sit through a commercial break every 15 minutes.

    TCM, on the other hand, is the greatest channel of all-time. Listening for Robert Osborne's verbal slip-ups is becoming as entertaining as the films themselves.

  5. Highly questionable list, but whatever, as long as he sticks to writing he can do whatever the hell he wants. Travolta SUCKED in Pelham.

    Love the site btw, really digging it. And welcome to the LAMB!

  6. Nice site, really like it fellow droog! I built my own theatre so I don't have to depend on the whim of Tv or my local "Sin"aplex anymore. Come on over to the Korova Theatre and check out my tech stuff: if you don't have that code free blu-ray player you're missing out on some great world cinema in HD. There are no less than 5 Godard films released in Europe so far that will never see the blu light of HD in the good 'ole USA. And if Fritz Lang's M or Ozu's TOKYO STORY on blu-ray isn't enough to get you interested...I don't know what is:) Great writing, keep it up.
    And King hasn't written a decent book since Misery. This is also the guy who directed the loathsome MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. Need we say more?