Reviews at Home: "Conan" (2011), "Cedar Rapids" (2011) and "The Roommate" (2011)

In-between spare moments where I'm not thinking about Lars von Trier's "Melancholia" (more on that later, by the way), I've managed to sit down to watch all manner of (mostly) terrible films at home, plus a few that weren't too painful and some that were quite good, honestly.
-
Top of mind, Marcus Nispel's "Conan the Barbarian" is an over-lit, over-blown spectacle that (in what is becoming an all too common trend) eschews comparisons to the original film by proclaiming literary conception as its source of inspiration, a silly double standard considering the likelihood of a retake slim without the existence of John Milius' 1982 camp classic starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in his breakthrough role. 
-

Nispel's vision is far too crass and vulgar, his landscapes too digitized, washed with orange-blue skies and shiny seaside ports, and yet after its bloodthirsty, distasteful first half, the film pants through its midsection and then collapses from exhaustion. It's a primal scream towards the sky that falls on deaf ears. That Rachel Nichols sure is fetching, though. [C-]
-
Although it stars Ed Helms ("The Hangover") and isn't afraid to drop a dirty joke or two or three, Miguel Arteta's "Cedar Rapids" is as much a Frank Capra film as it as a lewd, R-rated middle-aged comedy. 
-
Like "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town" or "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington", the film is about an idealistic small-town man who travels to the big city (Cedar Rapids, Iowa isn't exactly New York or D.C., I'll admit) where his ideals and beliefs are tested by obscenities and corruption. 
-
Arteta directed last year's "Youth in Revolt," a rather unsuccessful-yet-curious coming-of-age Michael Cera comedy, and while that film felt too familiar in certain respects and rather flimsy, it did take chances and felt sporadically unique. "Cedar Rapids" is a more refined, mature slice of comedy, one that will likely be appreciated by classic film buffs for its moralistic center and by bawdy comedy fans for its fearless sense of humor. [B-]
-

For some reason (okay, because it's on Starz every other hour) I watched Christian E. Christiansen's "The Roommate", a riotous, deathly ineffective horror-thriller that can't even wake up its actors, much less the audience. 
-
Familiar with the film's obvious influence, 1992's similarly schlocky, yet far more perturbed "Single White Female," I had a vague curiosity in this dorm room update, which is amazingly quite worse than even the most pessimistic could expect. 
-
Whether its the film's comatose, emaciated leads (I mean that both figuratively and literally) Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester, the director's dull, thrilless hands or its unintentionally uproarious vision of freshmen in art school, "The Roommate" is a stolid, plodding amber-tinted bore. [D]