Freddy Gets Knive Fingers

By Chase Kahn

Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes studio is at it again with a remake of Wes Craven's original 1984 cult classic, A Nightmare on Elm Street, which today, is almost a Cronenberg-esque staple in the genre. It works because it was spontaneous and it is what it is (i.e. Johnny Depp, 80's clothes, CG-free, crazy gore effects, psychological disturbances, etc. ) -- things that can't be replicated or duplicated, things that are sure to be missing from the new version.

Bay's production studio, along with The Weinstein Company and Dimension Films will order any and all moderately successful or half-known horror franchises of the last forty years to be uprooted, modernized, whored-out and given a fresh paint of money.

Abercrombie models and CW network douche-bags will be cast and lined up for the next decade until every last penny is squeezed out. (Bay even has Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds in his sights).



The trailer for the revamped A Nightmare on Elm Street (New Line, 04.30.10) is predictable, safe/not terrible. I do like the casting of Jackie Earle Haley (Watchmen, Little Children) as Freddy Kruger, but this thing just looks boring and gratuitous. It's too dark (literally), too replicated and too big-budgety -- this is like remaking Videodrome or The Brood, it shouldn't be done and it doesn't need to be done. The 80's Donnie Darko, neon sweat pants-and-bad scrunchy feel will be gone, replaced by Michael Bay's Point Break hairdo and dollar sign grin.